Jamie’s Petting Zoo (Lyrics)

I've had my pet since I was nine years old I loved him and fed him, kept him out of the cold But one day he attacked I knew he didn't love me back So I grabbed him like a football And punted fifty yards Now I hate pets Take yourself to the vet Now I hate pets Dolphins trapped in little nets Now I hate pets You little fucking screaming shit-bag I should of let your mother Eat you, little fucker So I got a little birdy and I trained it everyday He knew 1000 words but then he flew away But then I got him back The fucker wouldn't shut his trap So I took him to the bathroom And rubbed his beak in shit Now I hate pets Spotted owls in their nests Now I hate pets Bagged a deer and made a vest Now I hate pets Birds and bees and bears and bison Pigs and parrots and pandas I fucking hate them all! I was walking through the park when a snake peered from his hole A perfect opportunity to take the bastard home I chopped his fucking head off With my handy garden hoe And made a lovely hat-band For my redneck cousin bo, heee-haaw! Now I hate pets 10,000 volts to the chest Now I hate pets Fed my cat some cigarettes Now I hate pets You screaming little fucking shit-bag Bastard Fuck you, you Fucking pig-shit licker, fuck!